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Your A Idiot: Want bad advice? Ask me

26 August 2010 By Towson Idiot No Comments

Dear Towson Idiot,

I’m an RA and one of my freshman residents seems to be hopelessly in love with me. How do I let him go easy without him getting upset and blowing up my floor or setting rabid bears after me? Please help!

-RA Doesn’t Stand for Romantically Available

T ’n’ A RA,

First, don’t get your panties in a bunch. Isn’t this why you signed up to be an RA – to have freshmen boys fawn over you and become engorged when you write them up? If that’s not what you were looking for from this particular young man (liar), I’ll give you some easy steps to let him down “easily.”

Look in his direction during floor meetings and declare to, “whoever is taking dumps in the hallway” to please stop. DO NOT break eye contact! If this doesn’t embarrass the lad “out of love” with you, try physically bullying him. I’ve always been fond of knocking trays out of kids’ hands in the dining hall. As a last resort, couple with the gentleman. Once he realizes how bad of a lay that an RA is, he’ll leave you alone.

- Towson Idiot


How can I get my professors to like me so that I get that extra grade bump at the end of the semester?

- Stressed to Impress

Brown Noser,

Your professor regularly seeks validation for his or her performance through end-of-the-semester multiple-choice evaluations that are filled out in mere seconds. So just simply acknowledging that your professor is trying to teach you (try not falling asleep in class) can be a huge ego-boost to the sad, lonely, poorly dressed individual at the podium.

Try bringing baked goods to your professor. It is likely that he or she hasn’t eaten for days. He or she has neither the money (caffeine and tweed jacket habits), nor the time (they’re moonlighting at Stevenson AND Goucher to pay for said habits) to eat. Note: The more allergens, the better. Just kidding. Your professor is a nerd, and nerds are allergic to everything.

The best way to impress an academic is to show them how smart you are. Start by wearing glasses. They make you look intellectual. If you already wear glasses, start smoking a pipe (off campus of course). If you already smoke a pipe, you likely don’t go to class because you’re too busy arguing about the subtleties of Vonnegut’s humor or the concept behind string cheese.

One last way to display your academic prowess is to hijack the class. Professors LOVE this. The best way to take over a class is to always raise your hand. Your peers will be so enamored with you. Just keep your hand raised, constantly. If your professor stops calling on you, just start shouting, even if it’s not about the topic at hand. Arrive to the classroom early and lock the professor out. Teach the class yourself. Guaranteed A+.

-Towson Idiot

Dear Towson Idiot,

Did you see the squirrel on the side of Tower B?

-Animal Observer

Squirrel Stalker,

Yes I did! And what I want to know is what the administration plans to do about this! We cannot allow these bushy-tailed rats to go where they please and terrorize our students. We were here first! Next they’ll want to build their squirrely places of worship near our towers.

This was the second outrageous event at Tower B in as many months. First a crowbar assault and now rodents are breaching our walls. I’m curious as to if this one is potentially drug-related as well. Was the squirrel high? You bet he was! That little guy was three stories up.

I demand that University President Robert Caret address this situation immediately. If he doesn’t personally eliminate every squirrel on campus, it will show that he is a rodent-sympathizer.

Oh, wait! How would we do the BIOL 115 Squirrel Project? We could always develop hypotheses based on freshmen behavior. Nevermind. They’re too predictable.

-Towson Idiot

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