Dear Camille,

Finals are coming up and I’m about to pee my pants in fear. I have 18 huge papers due on the same day in the same class at the same time. None of them have rubrics and my professor hasn’t given grades back ever. Also, I have six projects and three tests and my psych teacher is making me into a hypochondriac. I need to make sure I get all of this done in time! I know you’re old as hell ‘cause you’re a senior and you’ve done this all before. Please use your aged wisdom to help me!

- Jane Q. Student

Jesus, Jane, did you know someone photocopied your OneCard and plastered pictures of it all over campus? You should seriously look into that.

Anyway, even I’m so unbelievably old and wizened in my seniority I have the study skills of a Jack Russell terrier on ecstasy. Therefore, I called 911 for help and the dispatcher and I put our tiny little brains together. I will now bestow upon you our tried-and true method of getting shit done.

The first thing you have to understand is that papers really are shit. You take a bunch of different sources, digest them, mix them together, and take the vital parts out. By the time the assignment is behind you it’s a whole new product. And if you’ve never visited the Writing Center, it probably stinks. Think about it. Projects and tests are also shit.

After you’ve accepted that shit is going to become an integral part of your day, clear your mind by clearing your working area. Are you in your room? Clean that sucker. Pick up your clothes. Put away your laundry. Vacuum. Dust. Polish the furniture. Dust again. Water a plant or two. If you don’t have a plant, go buy one so you can water it. Scrub the toilet. Spray some Febreze. Once you’ve done all of this, it’s time for the next step.

Whatever shit you have to do is undoubtedly important. I understand. You’re probably nervous as hell. You should probably calm your nerves before you do important shit like this, because you don’t want to mess it up. I suggest you take a shot. The stronger the shot the less nervous you’ll feel and the fewer nrevous mistakes you’ll maake. If you’re still nervous after your shot, take another. Feel like Superman yet? I thought so.

OK. Your mind is clear and you’re feeling brave like Mel Gibson covered in body paint and the blood of small children. Good.

Time to amp up that brainpower. Get some strategy going. Grab your computer and go to StumbleUpon.com. It’s got tons of awesome sites that will get those neurons firing like Dick Cheney on a hunting trip. I suggest playing Sushi Cat. The animal lover in me likes this game. The anti-psychopath part of me is more interested in Mel Gibson and his shenanigans. Actually, I’m playing Sushi Cat right meow. How productive of me.

Next, take a preemptive strike against distractions by sucking it up and calling your mom. This way she won’t call you in the middle of whatever shit you’re doing. Tell her you love her and promise you’ll start calling her more soon, which you undoubtedly will because you’re following my advice. Make sure to get grounded before you get off the phone.

What? Ah, shit, it’s already midnight. Go to bed and do it in the morning.