I was faced with a conundrum of sorts while at Target the other evening. No, not the normal “I walked into the store to buy one item and came out with $85 worth of candy.” Though, that happened too.

If you are what you eat, then one can expect to be a real smartie after eating Smarties and a real dumb-dumb after licking a Dum Dum. If you’re licking a dumb-dumb, then I suggest you re-evaluate your sexual decisions.

But if you consume both candies, would it make you of average intelligence? Trick question! It will make you diabetic!

The better question is, what am I doing with $85 worth of Reese’s? But that will have to wait for another column. Onto the very first Choose The Idiot’s Costume to Win a Gift Certificate and Crappy Trophy from the Dollar Store Contest contest!

I had submissions with varying degrees of insensitivity, though there were no zombie Al Davis suggestions. Al Davis has been a zombie 365 days a year since the team moved back to Oakland, so that idea is played out. There were no calls for Steve Jobs-related costumes, which is good, because I don’t really look very good in a mock turtleneck or with cancer.

The most frequently submitted ideas were related to things that go into or come out of a vagina, and if you’re lucky, a thing that comes inside a vagina.

Director of Athletics Mike Waddell suggested that I go as a Q-Tip. I asked if he was referencing hip-hop star and A Tribe Called Quest alumnus “Q-Tip” or the genericized trademark for a cotton swab. He was pulling for the cotton swab. Alas, his submission was after the midnight deadline. Someone should look into his connections with Q-Tips’ parent company, Unilever.

Even with ideas ranging from the Sun Drop Girl to a Big Ass Sunflower (literally a sunflower with a large pair of buttocks), I decided to stick with the In/Out of the Vagina theme. By the way, some of you people are sick.

The Finalists

Baby – submitted by Allie Barnes (@alliebubba123)

I could probably expand upon this idea and go as a dead baby, allowing for horrified looks and endless and endlessly offensive dead baby jokes.

Giant Dick – submitted by Cally Dee (@callylouxo)

Despite the fact that I am one every day, there are giant inflatable costumes that could be quite amusing. I don’t want to excite any of the ladies (or gentlemen) too much, so as to not upset the idiota. (Idiot’s note: Cally Dee actually submitted a “Dick in the Box” idea, but I misunderstood her suggestion. Anyway, Giant Dick is still better.)

Tampon – submitted by Chris Smith (@SoCalNova)

Gross. This is akin to dressing my dog, Othello, as his mortal enemy, the squirrel. By the way, I am doing that. The tampon is both my mortal enemy and my savior. It is the symbol of no sex, but also a symbol of no babies – so no real complaints. Though, I am concerned that if I go as one all night that I may go into toxic shock.

“Survivor” – submitted Josh Heller

Mr. Heller thinks that I should wear a clothes hanger around my neck and call myself a “Survivor.” Get it? If there is a way to be more offensive than a dead baby, it is to be a living baby that was intended to be dead. (Idiot’s note: I fully support a woman’s right to choose my Halloween costume.)

Voting begins the second you finish reading this and ends Saturday, Oct. 15, at 11:59 p.m. The winner will receive, as previously stated, a gift certificate to a local Halloween store, a crappy trophy from the dollar store, and a priceless (worthless) signed photograph of me in the costume. Spam your friends and vote as often as the Internets allow. Follow me on Twitter @youraidiot or like me on facebook at facebook.com/youraidiot.