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Colleen Calls It: Turkey day catastrophe

18 November 2012 By Colleen Sullivan, Columnist 3 Comments

Among my many talents that I absolutely excel in (other than being naturally beautiful, of course) is my ability to cook.

I say this because Thanksgiving is right around the corner and my family depends on me to provide them with a gourmet home-cooked holiday meal.

And when I say me, I mean my dad cooks the entire meal himself and I attempt to take the credit.

My dad cooks while my mom yells at him from the living room over her pre-recorded seasons of Law and Order: SVU. My brothers don’t contribute at all except to complain about the spread of our meal. I am the family’s official taste-tester.

Let’s be honest people: the only thing that I can successfully cook is Ramen, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and pasta.

They are the only three things that I eat.

My friend and I managed to set off my apartment’s fire alarm twice when we attempted to cook frozen pizza.

Being a college student who has to navigate a poorly stocked kitchen is rough. Especially when you’re buying.

When I look at recipes online, I gain a little bit of confidence and think “Well that doesn’t look that hard!” then I laugh a little and think “Well, it’s still not going to happen.”

When I compare this to my other friend who is a self-proclaimed foodie and culinary expert (the Instagram photos that she uploads of the food she cooks consistently infuriates me), I feel inadequate in the art of cooking.

She makes cooking look absolutely effortless and uses ingredients that I’ve never even heard of, let alone can pronounce.

She says things like, “Colleen, I’ll be there in 10 minutes I have to finish icing the cake.” I don’t think I would ever even bake a cake, let alone ice one if I did. That is why ShopRite exists. Because someone will do it for you.

I’m still trying to convince my friend that her time would be better spent nourishing a model like myself. Isn’t “giving back” the true meaning of the holiday season? She keeps being sassy about it telling me if I just practiced I would get better. My response? I don’t think the oven, the fire alarm, or the Baltimore City Fire Department will have much patience for my “practicing.” I am looking forward to the holiday season this year for a few different reasons. The first reason is the inappropriateness that usually accompanies the holiday meal in the Sullivan household.

I have an 84-year-old grandfather that makes things exceptionally amusing. He can usually be found asleep during the middle of the meal, while my great aunt is talking to someone who she thinks is next to her (she is legally blind). I have nothing but love for my family and the holiday season.

But it worries me when people say things like “you’re going to be hosting Thanksgiving one day.” I smile and agree but really I’m wondering what restaurant will cater for me and how soon “one day” really is.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


3 Comments »

  • WHY said:

    WHY IS THIS STILL A COLUMN

  • Lulz said:

    I can’t believe they actually gave Colleen a column.

  • Fi Matthews said:

    if at first you dont succeed… well… get in outside catering.. its got a much better chance of being a success and it takes the stress out of these big “event” dinners!!

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