In My Own Little World: Elevator games
So last week I was reading the police blotter, as I often do to pass the time and give my life more pizazz, and one particular item caught my eye. Amid the usual “suspicious odors” and “intoxicated resident students” lay this little gem: “Sept. 9: In West Village Commons, an ABM worker was stuck on an elevator for about 20 minutes.”
This got me to thinking (which is dangerous in general), what would I do if I was stuck on an elevator? I mean, I use elevators all the time. My friend Andrew Lingelbach and I were on an elevator just the other day.
It is a very real possibility that at some point in my life I will become trapped on an elevator for an extended period of time, especially if I keep riding the one in the Union, which I’m convinced is a death trap designed to weed out unwanted students from the University. (This theory has not been proven, by the way, and was less of an actual conspiracy theory and more of a funny elevator joke that you should be laughing at right now).
Anyway, the point is this could happen to anyone. And this guy was lucky, only being stuck in the elevator for “about 20 minutes,” what if you or I were stuck in the elevator for an hour?
What about two hours? Or two hours and 23 minutes?! The amount of hypothetical times I could come up with are staggering, and quite frankly I think we should do something about it.
This is why I have decided never to leave home without my very latest invention, the “Oh My Goodness, I’m Stuck in an Elevator! Survival Kit,” or OMGISIAESK for short.
It really just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
The basic idea of the survival kit is based off of that game where people imagine they were stuck on a desert island and only had the wherewithal to bring three items with them, so they pick things like machetes and cellos and books and duct tape, and I usually pick a boat, or the wisdom not to have gotten stranded on an island in the first place.
First, I have a month’s supply of Twinkies, but I was already carrying them in case of a nuclear apocalypse and the fact that Hostess was going out of business, which was almost like a nuclear apocalypse to some snack food fans.
Second, I have a wrench, which I’m already carrying for my lighting class this semester, but could come in handy if I suddenly gained the knowledge of how an elevator worked and could fix it with a wrench, or I had an itch on my back that I couldn’t scratch, which could be reached with a wrench.
Third in my kit, I have an assortment of mints, you know, in case I happen to be stuck with an attractive human of the female persuasion and desire to “make a move,” by which I mean “talk to her,” but I have just eaten an entire bloomin’ onion from Outback Steakhouse. Hey, it could happen, people.
So I don’t know if there was a point to this, but don’t get stuck on an elevator, and if you do, make sure you bring all the things I just listed, and the fine Towson Police force will have you out in about 20 minutes. Unless, of course, you took the elevator in the Union, in which case I wish you good luck.
You’re going to need it.