In My Own Little World: Parking metaphors
Readers of The Towerlight, I stand before you today (metaphorically, of course) to take a stance I know will be controversial. I understand I am in the minority here, and I embrace it. It is, after all, a free country and I am entitled to my opinion no matter how radically different it is from the general population here at Towson University. What is this drastically new view of the world, this against-the-grain interpretation of life as it is? Get ready, here it comes: I have a problem with Towson parking.
Ha! That was a joke, of course. Not the fact that I have a problem with parking at Towson, because I do, but I understand I am not the only one with this issue. And I know that every Towerlight writer and their Uncle Steve has already written a “Towson has bad parking” column, because it’s pretty much a rite of passage here at the T-Light.
So I’m not going to tell you all the problems with parking here, because you already know about the stalking, the lack of spaces, the lateness to class, the sweatiness upon arrival to class, and the inexplicable amount of “electric car spaces” in the Union. Seriously, who has an electric car that you know of who has not either won the lottery or inherited their billionaire grandfather’s estate?
I’m also not going to offer any solutions, mainly because most of my solutions involve giving myself a VIP parking spot in every garage and having everyone else fend for themselves.
So at this point you may be asking yourself, “Well if he’s not going to state the problem, or the solution, why is he writing about parking? And why am I still reading it? I could be doing important things like checking my fantasy football team or baking some banana bread.” And come to think of it, you make some valid points, but hear me out, this won’t take long.
My aim in this column is to come up with the best smile, metaphor, or analogy for Towson parking as is humanly possible so that we, as Towson students, when referring to parking in conversation, can have a code word that we all agree on, and the words “Towson parking” need never be uttered again, becoming the most taboo curse words in America. (So next time you stub your toe, you can scream “Oh, Towson parking!!!”)
The first metaphor I thought of, which is quite common, is “Parking at Towson is a nightmare.” The only problem with this is that it doesn’t go far enough. Nightmares are scary, but eventually you wake up and you feel like you could take on the world again, until you have to go to Towson and try to find a parking spot.
The next is a simile, “Parking at Towson is like going Black Friday shopping every day of the week, except instead of getting great deals on consumer products and getting punched in the face over a Tickle Me Elmo, if you ever find a spot you get to go to a class you’re already late for and have a stare-down with your professor.” This is a fine comparison, but a bit lengthy, and I’m not even sure if Tickle Me Elmo still exists.
So the comparison I think we should settle on, what we should call Towson parking from now until the end of time, is “That itch you just can’t scratch no matter how hard you try or how many positions you contort your body into.” Think about it. It’s annoying, it won’t go away, and people complain about it all the time. I think this’ll catch on, and we can stop complaining about Towson parking and start complaining about something else, like the government.
So next time you have to drive to class and you know there won’t be any spaces available, might I suggest driving straight into your classroom? I’m talking through the wall, into the building, park right in front of your professor, and then as you climb out of your four-door sedan you can confidently stride up to them, hand them your paper that was 50 percent of your grade and due today, and say boldly, proudly “I was not late!” Then of course you’ll have to pay the rest of your life to fix the building, but at least you made a statement!
The random thought of the week is this: if it ain’t broke, it certainly isn’t Towson parking… or the government…
Stay cool party people.