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Game of what ifs

29 January 2014 By Justin Thau, Columnist No Comments
Asking tough questions about all things Super Bowl XLVIII

It’s a new year for Common Sense Sports, which can only mean one thing—new gimmicks! So here’s the first new gimmick of 2014.

Let’s play a not-so-subtle game of “What if?” featuring the biggest drunken, sloppy, way too masculine sports spectacle of the year! Wait, what? You’re telling me we also have the Winter Olympics and the FIFA
World Cup this year? Sigh. Let’s just get this rolling. For starters…What if Beyoncé somehow finds her way into the Bruno Mars and Red Hot Chili Peppers halftime show?

Will MetLife Stadium blackout just minutes into the second half, causing everyone but the losing favorite Broncos to freak out, especially the winning underdog Seahawks?

Will Russell Wilson reveal that he is actually Jesus and turn the lights back on with the snap of his fingers? Will Marshawn Lynch simply get on a treadmill connected to the stadium generators and put the
power on Beast Mode? Am I still traumatized from last year’s Super Bowl blackout? No, no, not at all! (I say as I nod YES, YES, MAKE IT STOP!) Speaking of forces of nature…

What if it actually DOES precipitate and temperatures drop into the single digits? Will amnesia-prone sportswriters come to the consensus that Peyton Manning’s legacy should only be based on poor
performance in cold weather and in the playoffs?

Will these same sportswriters then anoint Peyton the greatest quarterback that ever lived in the offseason when it’s revealed that he was playing without any nerves in his right hand during the last two years?

Will Peyton Manning turn in the ultimate “Nobody believes in me even though they totally should!” game, leading the Broncos to an unlikely 40-point victory?

Will we ever stop talking about Peyton Manning’s legacy? Since we’re not going to, here’s something we need to address (courtesy of Bill Simmons)…

What if Peyton Manning isn’t actually Peyton Manning anymore, but Evil Manning? What if the Peyton Manning of old sold his soul to the devil this past offseason and is now setup to obliterate his opponent in
the Super Bowl, win his second championship, win the game MVP, and then mysteriously die upon taking five steps after touching the Lombardi Trophy?

What if I told you that my “Peyton” and “Manning” count is currently at seven? Speaking of Manning…

What if I told you that some legacies are never clearly defined? ESPN 30 for 30 presents…

What if the Super Bowl featured teams from the only two states in which recreational marijuana is legal? Directed by Seth Rogen. Original Score by Willie Nelson. Honestly, Roger Goodell might need some
medicinal herbs if any of the following what ifs come true.

What if a position player is knocked cold on the field and has to be carried off on a stretcher, in the Super Bowl, near New York?

What if a position player is tackled hard in the legs instead of the head, resulting in a gruesome knee injury that FOX insists on replaying dozens of times because why not nauseate millions of people?

What if Peyton Manning falls down the steps because he’s studying film on his iPad and subsequently tears an ACL and can’t play Sunday?

What if Roger forgets his mittens at home?!

What if Richard Sherman makes a game-altering/deciding play?

What if Spike Lee makes a movie about it?

What if the FOX camera crew catches Goodell holding a “SHERMAN IS A THUG” sign in the crowd?

What if Joe Buck brings his same sense of monotony and boredom to the broadcast, causing millions of viewers to switch over to NBC’s killer lineup of “Dateline NBC” and “Little Fockers”?

What if Troy Aikman suffers a concussion after Joe Buck playfully hits him over the head with his microphone, causing millions of viewers to switch back to the game to see if a similar fate falls upon Joe Buck?

What if Bruno Mars points at Goodell while performing “Treasure” and then starts to strip?

What if Rex Ryan is caught on camera rubbing someone’s foot?

What if it’s Roger Goodell’s foot?

What if the groundhog sees his shadow?

WHAT. IF.

We’re so screwed. Happy polar vortex-ing and chip dipping, y’all!

Seahawks 31, Broncos 27.


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