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In My Own Little World: Choose your own Super Bowl adventure

3 February 2014 By Justin Manry, Columnist No Comments

DISCLAIMER: Since my deadline for this column is Sunday morning, before I could have any knowledge of the outcome of the game, I have decided to write my Super Bowl retrospective in a format that allows you, the reader, to choose either the outcome which corresponds to the events of the game, or the version you would have liked to have happened, or a mixture of both. So whenever you come to a set of parentheses (they look like this), choose the word or set of words that best fit your version of reality. So without further ado, have fun and enjoy the greatest Super Bowl column ever written before the Super Bowl…

The stage was set. The trash talk was over. The interviews, the reporters, the rigmarole, the other words that describe the weeks before the Super Bowl were all long gone. It was time to play the game.

And what a game it was. It all started with the ceremonial coin toss, won by the (Broncos/Seahawks/Bruce Springsteen), which would be (a foreshadowing of things to come/largely unimportant/a reminder that American currency has largely moved away from coins).

Then came the National Anthem, during which (the singer forgot the words/Knowshon Moreno flooded the stadium with his tears/someone got caught under the giant flag).

But none of this could prepare us for what was about to be (the greatest, most competitive Super Bowl in recent memory/a mostly uneventful game filled in by once again forgettable commercials/a good excuse to order several hundred Domino’s pizzas).

Both sides fought hard and brought their A game, but the entire contest really hinged on that pivotal play in the (first/second/third/fourth) quarter. They always say football is a game of inches, and I always say we should be using the metric system like the rest of the world, and that play really proved (my/their) point.

And who can forget that missed call against the (Broncos/Seahawks/Pete Carrol’s haircut)? It’s really a shame when the referees (determine the outcome of the game/don’t get the credit they deserve/have a better physique than I do).

But beyond pivotal plays and crucial calls, this game was all about the legacy of Peyton Manning. With the outcome of this game, critics of Peyton Manning can finally say (“I told you he was no good”/”Well, I guess he is the greatest of all time, my bad”/”I really think he has the largest forehead of any human being on the planet.”) I mean, now that Peyton Manning has (won/lost) two Super Bowls, we can finally place him in his correct spot on the all-time quarterback list, and that spot is (number one/top 3/ top 5/most badly acted pizza commercials participated in).

And while this game was mostly about Manning, it also speaks a lot to Russell Wilson’s future as a quarterback in this league. I mean, after only two years in the NFL he has already (won a Super Bowl/lost a Super Bowl/been the butt of hundreds of short jokes).

But of course, being an average reader of my column, you’re not so much interested in the outcome of the game as the outcome of the commercials. And there were some (racy/funny/quite tasteful/baby-filled) ones to be seen. My personal favorite of course was the one for (Dorito’s/Volkswagen/Oreo) with the surprise twist ending where (men wear women’s clothing/monkeys do people things/there’s a sentimental horse story).

And I almost forgot about the halftime show! Actually, I think I was (in the bathroom/getting more nachos/practicing my clarinet) during the halftime show, so I missed it.

But I didn’t miss out on the opportunity to capitalize on a very popular sporting event by writing a witty and humorous column about it in Monday’s paper, and that’s what really matters.

So there you have it, a Super Bowl column fit for your needs! The random thought of the week is this: If you’ve never eaten a date before and you’d like to try one, I suggest using a fork. You don’t want to get all handsy on your first date.

Keep up the sportsmanship, party people.

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