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In My Own Little World: Oh, ‘Lympics: Add more curling and Alex Trebek

16 February 2014 By Justin Manry, Columnist No Comments

You may have noticed there was a bit of snow over the weekend. (Towson finally noticed in the wee hours of Thursday morning, which was oh so helpful for commuters with 8 a.m. classes who had already set their alarms and gone to bed. Not that I was one of those, of course, just throwing out facts.)

Anyway, this column is not about that. I’m sure you can go to Facebook this very moment and see pictures of all your friends’ yards with captions such as, “Lots of the white stuff this year!” As if saying “white stuff” was a new and innovative way to refer to snow.

No, I am not going to waste a column telling you about something you already know way too much about. Instead, I’m going to waste a column complaining about the Winter Olympics, which were the only thing on TV during this cabin fever-inducing bout of wintery precipitation, (unless you wanted to watch “Antiques Roadshow,” which my dad actually flipped back and forth to between the Olympics, forming the ultimate viewing experience. One moment, we were watching Shaun White losing all his strength because he cut off all his hair, the next we were appraising some chair that was apparently signed by some famous chair maker. It was, in a word, something.)

The problem, of course, with these Olympics is that Bob Costas has pink eye. When I first heard the news and saw him trying to hide the fact with his hipster glasses, I was semi-excited to see what other fun sports anchor they would get to replace him. And then they got Matt Lauer. Quite honestly, I couldn’t figure out which was worse until they brought in Meredith Vieira, who when I Googled her name to check for spelling, Google’s auto-finish suggested I search “Meredith Vieira feet” which I may just do later… (Ha! That was a joke, I definitely don’t have a foot fetish…) Anyways, my best case scenario for anchoring the Olympics? Matt, Meredith and Bob all get pink eye and they bring in Alex Trebek, host of television’s greatest game show of all time, “Jeopardy.” His voice is so soothing, and he could spout random Olympic facts in the form of questions, and say the word “potpourri” several times. It would be magical.

And while he’s at it, he could have them show some of the sports people actually want to see. Forget bobsledding and snowboarding and figure skating and that thing where they ski with a rifle on their back (which would be far more interesting if they could use those rifles to shoot their competitors by the way), I want to see curling!

Now, for those of you who aren’t aware, curling is the greatest sport that has ever graced the surface of our strange and wonderful planet. Basically, you’re on the ice, and one dude starts this big ol’ doober called the “curling stone” or “rock” or “big ol’ curling dooberstankle,” toward this target, called the “house,” and then some other dudes (or dudettes) take these brooms and start sweeping the ice, and eventually, through a system of points and games of “rock, paper, scissors,” they all decide to play

hockey instead.

It’s really a game like no other, and it teaches important life skills such as sweeping (though they only really sweep in a straight line, which would not make your house much cleaner I suppose).

So NBC, if you’re reading this, these are my demands: make curling more prominent, bring in Alex Trebek, and make sure America wins each and every medal because we’re the greatest country ever. #murica. (We also have the best national anthem ever, even though the music is based off some old song about drinking and babes apparently… Good old music class ruining the classics for me.)

For the rest of you, enjoy getting back to class and reading the rest of this beautiful publication we call The Towerlight. Also, if you’re tired of all the snow, remember: February snow showers bring March snow plowers… Or something like that.

The random thought of the week is this: If you bet your bottom dollar that the sun will come out tomorrow, and it’s overcast the next day, you should send Annie a nasty letter for telling you to make such a foolish wager.

Stay sane, party people.

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