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NFL Draft Madness

7 May 2014 By Justin Thau, Columnist One Comment
Breaking down the craziness leading up to Thursday

On Tuesday, Christopher L. Gasper of The Boston Globe wrote a piece entitled “NFL Draft needs to return to April,” in which he essentially yearned for the days when the NFL Draft was in April. Let’s break down his article and get to the heart of why the NFL Draft couldn’t wait until tonight (and tomorrow, and Saturday). Before I do, please take some time to enjoy random headlines about the draft as of yesterday:

“NFL Draft 2014: How many rounds will it last? (+video)”

Whoah, whoah, whoah Ms. Lippy! Someone knows how long the draft is going to be?! And they have a video to prove it?!?! Huzzah!!!!

“NFL Draft: Examining which teams trade the most in the first round”

I definitely need to know how shocking it will be when the Rams decide not to trade Johnny Manziel, causing Sam Bradford to lose his mojo – wait, you’re telling me Sam never had mojo to begin with? Sigh.

“NFL Draft facts and figures”

I’ll take “Players I never knew before today and I’ll never know again after today for 400, Trebeck!”

“NFL experts Q&A: How Draft really works – and why teams still miss”

Last time I checked (and it’s been a while since I could stand watching the NFL Draft), the draft works like this: Each team is assigning some draft picks. One team picks, or doesn’t pick. Then the next team picks, or doesn’t pick. This typically happens until fans are too intoxicated to remember who was picked in the last three hours – which is fine, because it didn’t really matter anyways. Oh, and why do teams still miss? Because teams like
the Browns and the Jaguars over-think everything and end up taking the worst players they possibly can.

“SEC quarterbacks and the NFL draft”

C’mon – this is just an excuse to mention Peyton Manning in your article.

“Inside the wall-to-wall coverage of the 2014 NFL draft”


“Countdown to the Draft: 2 days”

Man, talk about a short shelf-life for an article…

“Pierce: ESPN, NFL Network won’t spoil draft surprises”

I’ll be damned if I’m going to find out whether or not the Chargers took Boston College’s kicker with pick No. 201 before they actually take him!

“2014 NFL Draft Prospects: Kickers”


“Goodell rigs draft, plans to give himself first pick and take Michael Sam so that nobody else can”

“Rex Ryan and the Jets will draft a pair of feet in the fifth round”

“Cleveland plans on going rogue, drafting the prospect they should have drafted all along” “Cleveland’s prospective draft pick plans on intentionally fleeing the country until further notice”

“God hates Cleveland”

Alright, I made all of those last ones up.

It’s time to spread the love to the Globe’s own Christopher Gasper. Remember – these are actual quotes from his article.

“When it comes to the 2014 NFL Draft, the league should heed the immortal words of former New York Jets linebacker Bart Scott, “Can’t wait!” We can’t wait this long for the NFL’s annual Player Selection Meeting.”

Gasper managed to quote Bart Scott and re-name the NFL Draft as something 10 times more annoying in his opening. Skills!

“The official explanation for this year’s delay until May was that Radio City Music Hall [was that]…The NFL got high-leg kicked out by a new spring show featuring the famous Rockettes. That production, ‘Hearts and
Lights,’ was cancelled in March.”

How ironic is it that the NFL got high-leg kicked and probably suffered a concussion?

“Confession: I’m one of those people who breathlessly waits for the NFL Draft and will pore over mock drafts and purchase NFL Draft magazines and books. I can mark the passage of time by the subtle changes in Mel
Kiper Jr.’s unctuous mane. The draft is a banner event on my sports calendar.”

Dude, leave Mel Kiper Jr.’s mane alone. Also, do you get out much?

“The league knows there are many people who feel this way about the draft, and it probably thought a two-week delay would only heighten the hype, build the buzz, and enhance the suspense. It has had the opposite effect.

It’s created an NFL dead zone. Instead of whetting the appetite for the draft, the additional lead time has been like noshing on sawdust.”

Hmm. Hmmmm. “NFL dead zone” sounds like the place the NFL kept all the confidential concussion files before they burned them last fall. Also, I’m pretty sure you just used “noshing” incorrectly in a sentence. Nice try with that thesaurus, though.

“How many times can you debate whether Johnny Manziel’s unorthodox, swashbuckling playing style will translate to the NFL or parse Jadeveon Clowney’s effort? The draft dissection overkill has become a buzz kill.”

Manziel’s a pirate, Clowney’s lazy, and you’re my buzz kill, man.

“The whole thing feels like a football filibuster, as the emergency brake got pulled on the offseason.”

Rand Paul just called, and he’s hella salty about you pretending like this is a filibuster.

“It is the kiss of death to sign with a team only to see that team spend a high-round pick on a player at your position.”

But what if you want to go out on a date with Michael Sam? Oh, wait, just kidding – Michael Sam won’t be a high-round pick. Yay, NFL diversity!

“In 2007…in 2008…in 2010…in 2011…”

I didn’t really want to re-live the money-grabbing history of the NFL’s changes to the draft, but thanks anyway.

“The teams could have held this draft in early April at a Starbucks. “

Now introducing: Caffe Verona Healing Blend. It’s the coffee that’s perfect for that special someone in your life who can’t afford his hospital bills and has uncontrollable outrages because the NFL was negligent regarding
the health of his brain.

“Why stop at four days? Why not a seven-day draft-a-palooza?”

Will there be a helmet piñata?!?!

“…the NFL is acting like a self-absorbed selfie sharer who thinks even the mundane activities it is engaged in should be of utmost interest to the masses.”

It was typecast for the role.

“Goodell told the NFL Network on Monday that the mayors of Chicago and Los Angeles have expressed interest in hosting the 2015 draft. Great. Just tell them they need to reserve dates in April.”

Gasper manages to end his article by condoning the move of the draft to Chicago or Los Angeles – as if either of those cities really needed another white guy to bring his corporation to town and exploit the masses.

Anyways, that’s all folks! Tune in next week for my complete recap of the NFL Draft…….that has nothing to do with the NFL Draft.

One Comment »

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