Balloon Boy: A Children's Story

10/18/09 10:20 PM

There once was a family in Colorado. There was a father, a mother, and three young boys. The family loved each other immensely, so immensely that the father routinely exploited the family on national television. The family also did science experiments to help the boys' brains inflate like big balloons full of knowledge. Oh how the boys loved the science experiments. What young boy wouldn’t enjoy spending hours on end building contraptions that are far beyond his level of reasoning? The youngest of the boys was Falcon, and he was also the most curious of the three. One day Falcon was so intrigued by a weather balloon that he and his family had built that he climbed inside. His brother (allegedly) watched him do this, yet refrained from sharing this with his parents. Then...

Purchasing friends, prostitutes, and puppies

9/13/09 9:00 PM

When you come to college, you hope to make new friends. If you cannot make friends based on your winning personality (perhaps it’s actually a losing personality), you can always purchase your friends instead. Since I have been unable to build relationships with many people here on campus, I have had to turn to the latter option, buying friends. And since I do not think that I am quite cut out for the Greek life, I have had to find other ways of acquiring acquaintances with monetary means.   Now I know what you are thinking, and I wholeheartedly agree, prostitution is an excellent option for those longing for an empty and emotionless touch. But being someone of modest student earnings (grants and loans), I have found that a quick trip to Bourbon Street can offer the same empty... 1 comment

Idiotic Summer Fun

7/11/09 10:46 AM

I’m finally doing something exciting this summer! Well, maybe not really exciting, but in comparison to what I have done all summer, my forthcoming trip to Williamsburg, Va., will be as exciting as winning the lottery, while jumping over an active volcano, on a dirt-bike, with Marisa Miller riding (s)hottie. Until now, I have been in class all summer, taking 13 credit hours over the first five weeks. This means that even the couch kids have seen more sunlight than I have this season. I have no desire to be baked orange like some of the individuals that frequent this campus (even in the dead of winter), but I would like a little color. Hopefully I’ll have a chance to catch some rays this week. I’ll be traveling down to Maryland’s Mexico (Virginia) to visit the...

Where is the Idiot Now?

4/30/09 12:41 PM

My apologies to you Idiots. I have been hella-busy these past few days. In fact, I'm updating this blog during class. I'm sure everyone is under the end-of-the-semester-crunch right now, as I am, but not everyone is an Idiot, as I am. It takes a little more for me to get by, by the skin of my teeth. Who am I kidding Your A Idiot two [sic, you f*ckin' knucklehead]. In case anyone hasn't been paying attention, the Swine Flu is going around. And I got it from an unfortunate encounter with a pulled-pork BBQ sandwich. She told me that I didn't need to worry and that I'd be safe. Bitch! But prior to getting Swine Flu, I was already infected with the Avian Flu. The doctors say that I now have a mutated strain of both sicknesses. I have Flying Pig Flu. It's not so... 2 comments

Your A Idiot After Tigerfest

4/27/09 3:30 AM

One of my greatest pleasures in life, next to orgasms and ice cream, is learning new things. Learning of an orgasm inducing ice cream would be my greatest achievement, but that has not happened, yet. Aside from dairy-dessert related opportunities for new knowledge, I enjoy the daily tidbits of information that I normally gather. This past weekend I learned a few new things that I think would be best to share with my readers out there in Idiotland (I bet you just learned that you live in Idiotland). My mind is a trap for new information, and luckily for you I participate in a catch-and-release program, and I will be releasing the best of my brand new brain-wrinkles onto you. 1.    I am likely not going to be drafted into the NFL. I have annually declared for the... 2 comments