Balloon Boy: A Children's Story

There once was a family in Colorado. There was a father, a mother, and three young boys. The family loved each other immensely, so immensely that the father routinely exploited the family on national television.

The family also did science experiments to help the boys' brains inflate like big balloons full of knowledge. Oh how the boys loved the science experiments. What young boy wouldn’t enjoy spending hours on end building contraptions that are far beyond his level of reasoning?

The youngest of the boys was Falcon, and he was also the most curious of the three. One day Falcon was so intrigued by a weather balloon that he and his family had built that he climbed inside. His brother (allegedly) watched him do this, yet refrained from sharing this with his parents.

Then the next thing Falcon's brother saw was the balloon take off with Falcon inside. Falcon's brother finally called his parents, who called the authorities (and the national media).
Everyone was watching as Falcon soared high, miles into the sky, where it's far too cold for a six-year-old. The balloon looked out of this world as it flew out of this world. This was, of course, a strange coincidence because the parents often looked for UFOs with the boys.

No one knew how to get the balloon down, and everyone was distraught. Yet the irony lies within the fact that the parents of young Falcon ran a company promoting children’s safety.
Everyone knew the parents were freaks, though. Who names their child "Falcon" and expects him not to want to fly? Also, they were into "wife swapping."

Eventually the balloon came down on its own. And when it landed, everyone feared the worst: that Falcon was injured, or even dead. But they could not expect what happened next.

The balloon was empty!

People claimed to have seen something fall off of the balloon. Could that object have been Falcon?

Of course not: Falcon was found in an f*cking box in his parent's f*cking attic. He had been playing with his toys and had taken a nap.

Falcon and his little balloon non-adventure had managed to distract the public for an entire day. He had been the most tweeted little bird-named boy in the country. His fictional 10,000-foot trip had taken the spotlight from the 10,000 point DOW stock market. A fictional flight, such as Falcon’s, had not been able to claim “Mission Accomplished” since George W. Bush wore a flight-suit.

Falcon may or may not have been prince of the skies for the day, but his dad was surely a royal ass. This, of course, came in handy for the father when he eventually went to prison, because if you’re going to be a piece of ass in the joint, you may as well be king.

THE END

“Yo Balloon Boy, Imma let you finish, but Anne Frank had the best attic hideout spot of all time… Of all time!”