Your A Idiot After Tigerfest

One of my greatest pleasures in life, next to orgasms and ice cream, is learning new things. Learning of an orgasm inducing ice cream would be my greatest achievement, but that has not happened, yet. Aside from dairy-dessert related opportunities for new knowledge, I enjoy the daily tidbits of information that I normally gather.

This past weekend I learned a few new things that I think would be best to share with my readers out there in Idiotland (I bet you just learned that you live in Idiotland). My mind is a trap for new information, and luckily for you I participate in a catch-and-release program, and I will be releasing the best of my brand new brain-wrinkles onto you.

1.    I am likely not going to be drafted into the NFL. I have annually declared for the draft since 2006, and still, no one is taking a chance on me. I am sure that I can be better than Alex Smith and/or Eric Crouch. I’m just waiting on a team like the Raiders, Bengals, or Cowboys to take a chance on a guy with a checkered past and iffy talent-level. Iffy talent level is the nice way of saying talentless.

2.    I have been mispronouncing this school and city’s name. Apparently we are Townsend. My bad. The lead singer of The All-American Rejects repeatedly referred to us as Townsend at Tigerfest, and I am sure as hell not going to argue with a famous dude like him. Otherwise he'll probably Gives Me Hell. (Oh snap, a Gives You Hell joke in consecutive posts!)

Eric Gazzillo / The Towerlight

3.    Students are much safer from lightning next to a metal chain-link fence and underneath numerous trees than they are in the middle of Burdick field. Townsend University is only responsible for our well being within the confines of Tigerfest. When we get outside the impenetrable barrier (Burdick Field, not your high school girlfriend’s panties), our asses are lightning proof. It like we’re all Powder or something. That would come in handy if a team in the AFC West was to draft me and have me play against the Chargers twice a year.

4.    The All-American Rejects have one 45-year-old, male fan, and he waited in line with the 14-year-old girls at Wet Seal to get his poster signed. He was most excited person there.

5.    Tigerfest isn’t so much of a festival as it is a few crappy moon-bounces, a few crappy overpriced food vendors, a few crappy over-priced beers, and a few less than stellar bands.

6.    Only absolute Idiots purchased beer from the beer garden. Why would you pay $12 to drink three beers with other “older” students, when you could drink 12 beers for $12 with other 12-year-olds? I made sure to do enough binge drinking prior to the event, during the event, and after the event, not to merit a visit to the beer garden. The only people drinking in the beer garden were newly minted 21-year-olds showing that they can now legally drink at Tigerfest, newly minted graduates that don’t have a job (sorry guys), and the parents of the aforementioned 12-year-olds that are trying to at least put a dent in the reality of taking their 12-year-old to a non-festival featuring drunk college students and a pop-rock band.

7.    Tigerfest is a most socially acceptable reason to postpone schoolwork.

8.    We should rain-delay all school functions, so that I can nap, spend some time with the girlfriend, and recharge my buzz before the crescendo.

9.    Rule #8 should apply to stressful exams.

10.     Rule #10 followed Rule #9.

11.     Rule #11 is Rule #11.

12.     Is this confusing you yet?

13.    Tigerfest actually starts about Thursday afternoon and ends on Sunday when you eventually get over your hangover. Did I say Tigerfest? I meant binge.

14.    When I say binge, it is not necessarily alcohol related.

15.    When I refer to a binge that I’m participating in, it is often alcohol related.

16.    If you drink boxed wine, you are apparently refined, for a college student at least.

17.    Mike’s Hard Lemonade is totally not ghey. I mean come on, it has the word HARD in it. And it has a strong masculine name, like MIKE. All I envision when I hear the name is MIKE being HARD. Oh MIKE is so HARD! MIKE goes down so easily. I love the way it tastes. You can only take so much MIKE’S HARD before your tummy gets warm though.

This is not phallic at all.

18.    The number eighteen is just enough to get by when writing things that I learned, just like is enough to get by when you are looking for an appropriate age for a date.

This is so not appropriate.